Scarin' Those Bears: How to Keep Bears Away

by Ryan Vagabundo

So maybe you decided to flee to a remote mountain cabin to ride out the pandemic ... or maybe economic pressures have got you heading out to the woods to camp for a while.

Whatever the case, with the warm weather coming back to the northern hemisphere also comes changes in wildlife activity. Namely, bears going back on the prowl.

Bears usually aren't much to worry about. They prefer to steer clear of people and will only usually approach and engage for four reasons:

1) They smell food on you

2) One feels that you're too close to a carcass they killed

3) A mama feels you're too close to her cubs

4) They're super hungry and plotting on eating you

Now, #4 sounds scary but it's EXTREMELY rare. Humans are big enough that bears don't want to deal with them as prey unless they're desperate. Bears are basically big lazy bastards and like easy pickings, often settling for roots and berries and strongly preferring fish and mammals that are small and defenseless. To give you an idea, only black bears have been known to hunt humans and there are only about 60 documented attacks of this type in the last 120 years. Black bear territory is primarily in the northernmost US states and western Canada, with a fair sprinkling of them down the forested parts of the west coast states. You do hear about grizzlies eating humans here and there, but they don't hunt us unless in extreme desperation - with those incidents the grizzly probably killed the hiker for reasons #2 or #3 then decided to not let good meat go to waste. Grizzlies are much more northern and remote, the only place close to civilization they are usually seen is Yellowstone National Park.

The first three reasons are much more common and you can control all those by being prepared and observant. It isn't the worst idea in the world to have some small emergency measures on you when in bear country, though, in case a bear gets to sniffing and poking closer than they should be.

1) Bear Spray (Mid-Range Defense)

The idea with bear mace isn't to wait for the bear to jump on you like a rapist, but to pre-emptively hit it when it closes to about 25 feet. When used properly it has a super high success rate in driving them off, edging out firearms in some studies (though the data is far from complete or conclusive).

Bear spray doesn't have the legal restrictions that pepper spray does in some states; as of this writing, anyone in the US can buy it off Amazon without doing anything special. If you do, it's a good idea to wear it in a holster when you go into bear territory so that you can actually draw it in time to use it.

2) Bear Bangers (Defuse Situation From A Distance)

The pen launcher "bear banger" is basically like a small, reloadable flare gun. It creates a nice pop that's comparable to some good fireworks, enough to confuse and frighten a bear. These are meant to be used at a slightly greater distance, if a bear is paying a little too much aggressive attention to you.

These aren't a good choice during dry periods, however, as they emit sparks that could land on dry leaves and twigs and start a forest fire. They're banned in some parks seasonally, and some outright.

3) Last Ditch Melee Defense (Kiss Your Ass Goodbye)

So an aggro bear is right up on you with intent to maim/kill. Welp. You're probably dead. But is there any last-ditch melee measure that might improve your chances of being Not Dead?

The thing that would probably work best is a WASP Injection Knife, though that's a pretty expensive and impractical James Bond gadget to be carrying around in the extremely unlikely event of a bear attack.

What would probably be best is just a good, regular fighting knife. Which has all sorts of other uses, and if worst comes to absolute worst would be as good as anything for trying to slash or stab at the bear's nose or eyes to make it panic and back off.

One final tip - make noise, but don't whistle. Bears eat a lot of small mammals that whistle. That's a dinner bell sound for them.

Park rangers will always tell you your voice is the best defense, and you should probably listen to them. Yell or sing and hold out a jacket to make like a Batman cape, or clap loud over your head with your arms raised to look big and make noise.