Selling Effluence: How To Turn A Profit From Your Bodily Fluids And Secretions

by Ryan Vagabundo

Given that Earth has a population of roughly eight billion, you might think that the various substances and fluids your body creates wouldn't be of much value. However, you might be surprised at how much money all these various effluents can make for you under the right circumstances.

Plasma

Lots of blood plasma is needed for the purposes of medical research and drug manufacturing, and for-profit plasmapheresis centers have sprung up in many cities. Prices vary by location, but they usually pay in the range of $30 to $50 per donation. Most plasma centers now issue payment in the form of a reloadable Visa gift card in order to avoid having to handle large amounts of cash.

While that price might sound generous just for having a little blood drawn, keep in mind that these centers are estimated to be turning around and selling each of these donations to pharmaceutical companies for as much as $500 per liter. There's also some preparatory screening that you have to go through; your blood must have enough protein and iron in it that day, and it takes about an hour for the plasma machine to do its thing. All of this does not include potentially waiting in the lobby to be called to donate.

Though these are private for-profit companies, plasma donation is relatively safe because these outfits are tightly regulated by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. Just expect for it to take about two to four hours to complete the process and get your payment. You are usually limited to donating no more than twice per week, and most plasma centers will mark your arm with a special ink to discourage more frequent donations. FDA regulations also limit donations to 193 pints per year for each person, although it's difficult for plasmapheresis centers to track this amount when people go between different companies.

Semen

Sperm donation is only an easy dollar for certain select candidates. First, you have to pass a thorough medical records check that goes back three family generations. Sperm banks are also private for-profit enterprises, and they are allowed to discriminate on things like physical appearance and subjective intelligence to market the seed to their clientele. They will usually require a bachelor's degree at minimum, and some may insist on a master's. Finally, the reproductive tissue must be tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

Only about one out of every 100 applicants is able to make the cut. Those who do are usually asked to sign a contract with a particular bank, which can be valid from several months to two full years, unless the agency is able to sell sperm outside the United States, in which case donors can participate for longer than two years if they desire. After all this rigorous screening, the going rate of pay for sperm is about the same as it is for plasma -- about $50 per donation. Donors are allowed to donate more frequently, however, usually only needing to wait two to three days between sessions. A dedicated professional can thus potentially clear as much as $1,000 per month, so long as they're OK with having no sex life whatsoever.

Breast Milk

State laws should definitely be consulted before attempting to sell breast milk, as it may be prohibited. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) does not regard breast milk as hazardous, so there are no federal laws against selling it, nor is it regulated in any way.

The market for breast milk can be divided into two groups: women who have babies but can't produce enough milk on their own, and men who either believe it helps them with a medical condition or just have an outright sexual fetish for it.

Mamas with surplus milk can go the Craigslist route to find local customers, but some specialist websites have sprung up to facilitate connections between buyers and sellers, such as Only The Breast and Breast Milk For Sale. Rates can run from $1 to $3 per ounce depending on how "boutique" it is, i.e., the donor only eats organic, gluten-free or vegan foods.

Spittle

For most people, the dream of selling sputum is going to be out of reach. There's just no market for it.

If you happen to be famous, however, all that changes. Your saliva can become a lucrative sideline when applied to various objects. Examples of memorabilia that has sold in the thousands of dollars, just because it was in a famous person's mouth, includes water bottles, cough lozenges and chewed gum.

Urine

Though there is a popular belief that urine is sterile when it exits your body, that's not entirely true. The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) considers urine a hazardous material, and they'll sometimes send out HazMat teams to pick up bottles of it discarded by the side of the road.

While there's no legal way to sell urine, there certainly is a market for it. The primary use is in beating drug tests. Test cheaters can rig up elaborate prosthetic devices to fool even direct scrutiny while passing off someone else's urine as their own.

There is, of course, also a sexual fetish market for urine. Consent between adults doesn't make the sale of it legal, however.

Vomit

As with spit, this is probably not going to be salable unless you are famous. And as with pee, it's classed as a hazardous material, so you'll be flouting the law by doing it.

There is at least one artist who has made a lucrative career out of spewing her chunks, however. Millie Brown, a performance artist who bills herself as a "vomit painter," regularly sells pieces for thousands of dollars, and hit a career highlight when she was commissioned to vomit on Lady Gaga's dress in a music video. The catch is, she isn't heaving up just any old slurry. She fasts for two days before doing each painting, and only drinks milk tinted with food coloring.

Feces

Feces is riddled with disease and health hazards, but it also happens to be one of nature's best sources for growing crops (once composted properly). Due to the dangers of handling "humanure," any sale of it is likely to be illegal and difficult to arrange outside of local person-to-person arrangements.

There is one major medical use for people's poo. Though most of the bacteria in it is dangerous when you are exposed to it externally, it also contains beneficial intestinal bacteria. Some people have a condition in which they have lost the balance of this beneficial bacteria and consequently have become ill. The balance can be restored if other people's feces is introduced to their intestinal tract. One example is the non-profit organization OpenBiome, which specializes in creating these treatments. If you live near Medford, Massachusetts, and are in exceptionally good health, you can get $40 per sample that you deposit with them (if accepted into their "stool donor" program), along with a $50 bonus for providing five samples a week.

Soiled Underwear

Underwear soiled with the various sorts of substances that underwear tends to come in contact with can fetch a high price on the sexual fetish black market, assuming you provide pictures or video of yourself and happen to be a buyer's "type." Of course, since all said substances are classified as hazardous materials, sale is illegal.

Bodily fluids can be considerably more lucrative than you might expect. However, you'll definitely want to stay abreast of both local and federal laws before you start selling your services!