I Wear Socks With Sandals and Cargo Shorts in the Summer. Fight Me.

by Ryan Vagabundo

Trendoids are the absolute worst.

The lowest-hanging fruit for the fashion trendoid looking to shit on someone is socks with sandals, followed very closely by cargo shorts. Even people who don't generally give a shit about their clothes get caught up in dunking on these things.

Today I propose to you that this is a cultural more that makes no sense whatsoever, and that only continues to exist because people repeat it mindlessly. And even if it isn't, I could give a shit personally because these things are comfy to me and make infinite sense given my travel circumstances.

Let's start with shorts, then move on to socks and sandals.

Why Cargo Shorts Are Actually Awesome

This sentiment against cargo shorts is a modern thing, pretty much in the last decade or so. I don't remember anyone giving a shit about them one way or the other prior to somewhere in the mid-2000s or so.

It tracks with the rise of obnoxious hipsterism, basically, and the general hipster fashion trend toward tight body-hugging clothes. Which is fine if that's what you really want to do, I don't care what the world full of randos wears let alone have any desire to pass judgment on them for it. But you sure as hell don't get to push tight clingy clothes on anyone else. For one, they're uncomfortable. For two, not all of us are trying to be out here showing our asses to the world like that.

Let's take a look at the type of shorts that fashionistas recommend for men in the summer, the "slim chino":

So the same tight-ass pants you wear while e-scootering in to your startup's office, except cut off up the thigh. OK, got it.

First of all, uncomfortable. They chafe your butt all day and the front pockets are too tight. Second of all, you look like a little boy in those things. Nothing hotter and cooler than a middle-aged man out here with tight-up-the-crack shorts looking like Little Lord Faunterloy off to his summer holiday at Wales, am I right ladies?

The big fashionista argument for these things is that cargos make your "silhouette" look "unbalanced" and are too "bulky". First of all, could it get any more fucking #FirstWorldProblems than this? Second, I think everyone who hates cargo shorts just got bullied by Stiffler or Fred Durst or some similar Chad in the '90s and rage against anything they ever saw them wear.

But let's take a look at today's "bulky", "unbalanced" cargo shorts, starting with a pair I just bought earlier this year to wear this summer:

THE HORROR. SO NON-AERODYNAMIC. YOU DESERVE SOCIAL SHUNNING AND BULLYING FOR THIS DECISION.

I really think most people are confusing regular cargo shorts with either Kevin Smith jorts or military cargo shorts, neither of which I've ever actually seen anyone wear in real life.

Here's another factor for me personally, re: the trendy tight shorts. I have hockey player butt. I'm a reasonably fit guy with a healthy weight, but for whatever reason the good lawd saw fit to make my glutes and thighs disproportionate to my waist size. I have found this to be something that ladies generally quite enjoy throughout my life, but it also makes pants shopping a hassle and it utterly rules out the whole "skinny jeans" scene for me. Cargos are the only things that are consistently cut with enough slack to accommodate me in that area.

But we're here to talk about travel considerations first and foremost. And that brings us to the contentious pockets. The argument against the pockets is, "what do you need all those pockets for lol?" And my answer to that is, "for the shit that your non-adventurous soiboi privileged latte ass doesn't do." Side pockets are great for my phone, a pack of gum, and a small tablet on occasion for just everyday use. They are also often home to a pocket knife or Leatherman, a small pack of emergency tissues for bus and train trips (TP runs out quick on those and people spill stuff around you) or the occasional public toilet that is not properly serviced on the regs, any small bungees or ropes I might need to secure something, any pills I might need at the moment, passport, mini-flashlight, papers I might need in the near future, snacks, a small water bottle, and so on.

One thing that they're great for on the road that you might not immediately think of is hotel breakfast bars. I usually prefer to bring my breakfast back to the room as I'm usually on the computer in the morning doing all sorts of work stuff. Cargo pockets are great for throwing in an orange or apple, or a thing of yogurt, something that won't easily fit on a plate while you're carrying a drink in the other hand.

Let me conclude the section on cargo shorts by referring you to an exceptionally dumb article from Business Insider. As a professional writer, I'm seething that somebody probably got paid bigly bucks to just rub this fart-huffing idiocy out in an afternoon.

Let me address the finer points of the article in succession:

* "A gentleman does not wear shorts that cover the knees" - Oh excuse me Lord Puffenstuff, I must have missed the most recent edition of the Brooks Brothers Guide to Etiquette.

* " ... will cover the knees, creating a silly, imbalanced look that pretty much ruins the whole point of wearing shorts to begin with" - No, dude, the point of wearing shorts is heat ventilation in the summer, which works just as well an inch or two down as long as there's an opening at the bottom. Also, what the hell is your obsession with knees? Do you have a fetish? It's fine if you do, you just need to understand that the rest of us are not paying as much attention to random knees as you are.

* "What are you even putting in those pockets? You're not a carpenter." - Except the people that are. And have all sorts of similar legitimate working-class uses for them that don't exist in this dipshit's "aspirational" WASP world, so they don't count apparently. "Imagine carrying implements about like the poors, how dreadful!"

* "But unfortunately, the extra pockets add considerable weight and bulk to the shorts" - LMFAO no they fucking don't you mong. It's a couple of tiny strips of extra cloth.

* "They also completely ruin whatever silhouette you might have on the sides of your legs, completely unbalancing you in a way that can't be saved" - smh

* "In effect, this creates a juvenile look no matter how old you actually are." - I get the feeling this guy is going to judge you as "juvenile" if you're wearing anything but yacht club attire in the summer.

* "But there is a solution that goes by the name of chino shorts ... And they're not any less comfortable, either." Maybe if you have the Hank Hill ass that you would assume a dude named "Dennis Green" who looks like this does. Otherwise you're a fucking liar.

* "It's clear which one has cleaner lines, and which one makes the wearer look like an adult" -

These ones, right? These were the ones you were talking about?

* " ... whatever brand you bought your terrible cargo shorts from" - Fuck off, you walking embodiment of the word "wanker." What's terrible is that you get paid grown adult money to write horseshit like this. It's evidence that Western civilization is failing.

Maybe there's something to that "cargo shorts are for bullies" connection, though, because I have the overwhelming urge to give this guy a wedgie and stuff his head in a toilet if I ever see him.

Why Socks and Sandals Are Perfectly Cromulent

Now, this is an area where I feel there is a bit of decorum. Like, I can't sanction Walmart flip-flops with some cheap tube socks, because that makes no sense.

Also, this probably makes no sense in wet environments. But I spend most of my time in the desert, and here it makes infinite sense.

If you're doing socks with sandals you have to do them right, which means:

• Decent actual sandals (like Tevas), not crummy flip-flops

• Some decent socks that are at least semi-thick, and preferably a darker color

So why do this? First of all, super comfortable in the heat. Your feet stay completely dry. No Sweaty Boot Rash from enclosed shoes, yet if you buy good sandals you get the same support a sneaker will give you.

OK, but why the socks? One, even really good sandals are likely to abrade against your foot at some point or another. Aside from looking decent, that's the other function of the thick good-quality socks. Two, the "no shoes no service" places don't seem to care as long as your bare foot isn't exposed. Three, some extra protection from road grime and mystery fluids and bug attacks and such. Four, you might have funky feet or just not have time to groom them. Five, the socks keep the sandal interior free of your biofunk.

I pull the sneakers back out when it starts to get cold, but in the dry desert summer nothing feels better to me than good sandals and good socks together. Sandals are even much easier to clean than sneakers while on the road - mix a cup of any antibacterial mouthwash with two cups of water in a sink, tub or gallon water jug with the top cut off and just soak them for 15 minutes then let air-dry overnight.

IT FEELS SO GOOD. You feel like the comfiest desert nomad.

Ultimately, I believe all the cargos and shorts and sandals hate is 100% a product of the internet echo chamber magnifying what is actually a minority opinion. You never heard this nonsense until broadband became widespread in the mid-2000s. I still never hear a peep about either of these things in public, and I see tons of other people doing it. More than i see people with skin-tights rammed up the ass, because most people have the sense not to walk around all day every day like that.