(Since Apparently A Bunch Of You MFers Need It)
by Ryan Vagabundo
I really don't understand how some people manage to survive to adulthood, let alone accrue enough money to go on vacation, when they can't figure out how to walk.
Now, I know, walking in the middle of a bunch of people who are moving with a purpose is different from walking along whistling in Mayberry. But it really isn't a tall task to adapt to in a reasonable amount of time. It basically boils down to paying attention to your surrounding and having the most rudimentary courtesy and consideration for other people around you.
Which is too much to ask a whole lot of people to figure out on their own, apparently.
But perhaps you've never been to a busy city, or one plagued with constant tourist traffic. You don't believe it's as bad as I say. Well, for a prime example of this phenomenon at work, just visit the lovely Las Vegas Strip at literally any moderately busy time (i.e. pretty much any evening that it isn't raining out). Walk up and down its narrow sidewalks in traffic to witness an assemblage of people who come from places where they have clearly spent their whole lives driving from one parking space to another and walking no farther than to and from a building entrance.
Sometimes it isn't just ignorance. I unfortunately couldn't find it again for this article, but some years ago I read a sociological / psychological study of women spreading out and blocking traffic on sidewalks. It found that some of them do it intentionally because it makes them feel important.
Those people are beyond help, other than some good stiff "behavioral conditioning" (i.e. getting run over a few times). For everyone else, however, perhaps there is some hope.
This is how you manage to not fail at walking.
1) Your Shoulders Are A Turn Signal
The agreed-upon convention for wordless communication in pedestrian traffic is to let people know where you're headed by pointing your shoulders in that direction.
You don't have to guess when other people are going to turn or veer. Just watch their shoulders.
2) Don't Stop In The Middle Of Chokepoints
I don't know what it is, but people seem to looooove to stop right in the narrowest point of a busy foot traffic area.
You also get those groups that mob up in a chokepoint and start talking to each other, somehow totally oblivious to what a problem they're creating for everyone trying to walk around them.
Y'all gotta stop this. Pull to the side. Wait until you get to a wider area to stop and fiddle with shit or start talking about what restaurant you want to go to.
3) Don't Suddenly Dead-Stop In The Flow Of Traffic
Similarly, people seem to have this thing where once something isn't in front of them anymore they think it just stopped existing.
If foot traffic is humming along in a crowded area, people expect it to keep humming along. They don't expect you to just dead-stop for no apparent reason.
Again, pull over if you need to stop. It's no different than driving.
4) Don't Blow Stuff Backward Into A Crowd
Boy, people love their walk-and-smokes. Look, I understand when you need a cig and sometimes you don't have much time. But you've gotta figure something out other than blowing smoke back in the faces of everyone stuck on the sidewalk with you. At least take a break from it when you're walking into the wind.
That goes double for those giant gross vape clouds. Vapers, man, I'm sorry but I have a real hard time feeling sympathy for your shit getting banned when so many of you just casually blow that nasty in everyone's face. And you're like "IT'S JUST WATER BRO WHAT BRO." It's water that's been in your mouth, you nasty bastard. Not to mention it's apparently been chemically burning your lungs all this time.
5) If Someone Just Passed You, Don't Step Back In Front Of Them At A Crosswalk
Come on. This should be common sense. If someone just passed you, they're clearly moving faster than you. Why would you plant your ass right in front of them while waiting at the crosswalk? Now they gotta work their way around you again.
6) Don't Sidewalkspread Needlessly
If you wanna walk in a group, cool, but contract when other people are around when you're on sidewalks and such. Your whole #Squad doesn't need their own personal lane at all times.
And you always get that one "scout" who has to roam out into the last piece of space that people can use to pass you. Everyone hates you. Stop it.
7) Stay To The Right In A Crowd
Yeah, there's no official law about what side of the sidewalk to walk on. But people tend to arrange themselves as if they're driving because that's what they're used to.
You know, really, most of this advice boils down to "act like you're driving."
8) Don't Switch Lanes And Charge At People Expecting Them To Jump Out The Way
Sometimes you need to make a left turn against traffic, and then it's cool if you aggressively walk at someone to let them know what you're doing. But some douches ruin it for everyone by power-walking right at someone to see if they'll jump out of the way. Don't be that moron.
If you encounter that moron? Keep walking straight at them, but don't look at them. Works on everyone but the most insane.
9) If You Want To Gawp At Something, Pull Over First
This one dovetails with "don't dead-stop in the middle of traffic," but it bears repeating.
Want to stop and point at and discuss some awesome tourist landmark? Remember to pull over and get out of traffic first.
10) Don't Stand With Your Face Planted In The Elevator Door
You can tell who the people are that truly live in their own world; they're the ones who walk right up to the elevator door and stick their face directly in it while waiting for it to arrive. Like this is the first time they've ever used an elevator and there is absolutely 0% chance anyone will be getting off of it when it arrives.
On a related note, wait for people to get off before you start shoving your stupid ass on.
11) Don't Weave Unpredictably
We all have our own paces, some folks have mobility issues, that's all cool.
Go at the speed you need to, but if you need to go slow? PLEASE don't weave unpredictably from side to side and drift around randomly. People are trying to pass you from behind. They're counting on you staying in one relative lane.
12) Keep Your Arms Down
You're not a tour guide. The other people in your group can see the Big Obvious Tourist Thing without you suddenly whipping your arm out to point and then holding it there for literally two straight minutes.
13) Get Off The Phone
It's not everyone else's job to look out for you while you swipe right, DM Squee or catch the latest hot tweet thread from Li'l Itchy $$$Mayne. You're gonna fuck around and get that thing slapped right up into your teeth one of these days.
14) Don't Get Right Behind Someone And Then Not Pass When There's Room To Pass
I guess it's out of a misplaced sense of politeness or something, but there are these people that scoot up right behind you and have plenty of space to pass but just WON'T DO IT and dog your footsteps forever instead.
I mean, I guess I appreciate the thought, but getting right up someone's ass is actually ruder than just walking by them as long as you aren't making contact. Please just walk on by.
For Further Reading:
Want a good reason to get your ass in gear? Slow walkers are twice as likely to have heart disease.
An open letter to slow walkers
The most British thing ever? Not a bad idea though.