The "Worst Public Transit Passenger" Power Rankings
by Ryan Vagabundo
When it comes to trains, plane and bus passengers, who is the absolute worst? We're breaking it down with today's top 10.
10) Goin' Too Far Back Person
Goin' Too Far Back Person has that common and unfortunate spatial perception disorder in which things completely cease to exist if they aren't looking at them. Therefore, the space behind them is an infinite void into which they are determined to expand as far as possible.
This begins, of course, with reclining the seat to full capacity. But it doesn't stop there. Goin' Too Far Back Person will spend the rest of the trip intermittently bucking and straining against the seat back and testing the recliner handle just in case there are several available centimeters yet to be purchased by hard struggle. Their ideal situation would be for the seat to break and collapse directly into your lap or chest so they could have a nice refreshing lay-out.
Should they eventually determine that they have reached full seat back capacity, they will often set about flinging appendages backward into your space. For women, this usually means puffing out and flipping their hair backwards with no regard for the fact that their scalp is now about six inches from your face. For the gentlemen, this generally involves going side-saddle and draping an arm over the seat back to be flailed and stretched periodically.
9) The Filmographer
The Filmographer has a ravenous Facebook Live audience of five people who apparently absolutely must see every second of their trip, including being cooped up on a highway with absolutely nothing around for tens of miles.
The best type of Filmographer sits near the front and just films out the front window and maybe out their side window, having at least some regard for other passengers. Unnecessary, but largely unobtrusive.
The second worst type holds the phone up and takes video of themselves or shit tons of selfies (oblivious to the fact that no combination of angle + lighting will make them not look like a potato) that include the people sitting behind them. The worst type is just straight up filming their own reality show on the bus, regardless of whether or not the captive passengers want to be included in it.
8) Immediate Chainsaw Snorer
Honestly, I envy the Immediate Chainsaw Snorer. I've had sleep problems all my life even in a quiet room with a comfy bed. If I'm doing an overnight bus or train trip, even if I'm on Amtrak with the extra-wide seats and two seats to myself to stretch out on, it generally takes me at least an hour or two to get to sleep.
The Immediate Chainsaw Snorer is not burdened with such problem. Dude gets on the conveyance, flops down (usually right in front of you) and is out like a light within about 30 seconds. Usually with their head up and thrown back for maximum snorage.
7) The Walking Entertainment Center
The Walking Entertainment Center could be doing what they do for a number of reasons. For some it's a passive-aggressive display of machismo to cope with their deep insecurity. Some just really believe their shit is so hot and poppin' that they're doing everyone a favor by blasting it at them. Some are just too dumb or cheap to hook up some headphones or earbuds to it. And some are just straight mental cases.
My favorite is the ones that just blast movies or TV out of their phone, like music is over the line but somehow a show isn't. They're usually the first to loudly sniff at other people making other types of noise, too. The best of these for me was some woman right behind me who decided to binge-watch some dumb sitcom from like midnight to 3 AM and laugh her ass off at it on an Amtrak train one night. Then she finally goes to sleep, but at like 6 AM when the breakfast car opens and people with sense who went to sleep at a reasonable time start getting up and going to get food, she's yelling "SHUT THE FUCK UP" at them.
6) The Toilet Troll
The Toilet Troll insists on going to the port-a-potty at the back either like five minutes into the trip (after waiting at a stop that had a perfectly good bathroom at it for how long), or two minutes before you're about to hit a rest stop that has proper bathrooms. As you may or may not know, bus and train toilets don't just "disappear" the bodily waste. They stash it in a tank and cover it with some antiseptic chemical liquid that has its own gross smell that doesn't quite cover the waste smell, so it turns into a funky blend of both that then runs through the recirculated air for the remainder of the day (since these toilets are generally not emptied until the bus shuts down at a garage for an extended period).
Toilet Trolls clearly don't have a good grasp of how recirculated air works. A colorful variant is the troll that decides to be slick and smoke in the bathroom, which immediately goes into the vents for everyone else on the bus to enjoy.
5) VapeBro Dipshit
"IT'S JUST WATER BRO!" Yeah, water that was just in your mouth, asshole.
VapeBros are bad enough when they're blowing ridiculous plumes of mouth-water in people's faces outside, like that's just the thing to do. Some are a really special level of entitled, thinking they get to blow their perfumey "JUST WATER BRO" inside a sealed environment with recirculated air. This almost always leads to a delay as they get into a whole Stoned Libertarian / Sovereign Citizen standoff with the driver about their Constituational Rights Breh and how it's JUST WATER BREH IT'S SAFE AND HEALTHY.
Best possible outcome is a delay of a few minutes until their stupid ass backs down, worst is they get kicked off the bus and you have to wait for the police to show up.
4) Oversized Dog Person
I'm not against legitimate service animals being on public transit. There are competing interests here, though. Everyone else has the same right to use and peaceful enjoyment of the conveyance that the dog owner does.
I know some of the most intelligent and temperate breeds best suited to service dog work are decent-sized dogs: German Shepherds, Golden Retrievers, Labs and so on. Some people have a legitimate need for them. All of that is cool provided the dog is trained to handle long trips in a confined space and they aren't infringing on someone else's space.
Sadly, people started muddling that whole "service animal" line with a giant sense of entitlement about their questionably necessary "emotional support dogs" about a decade or so ago. It seems these days that they got enough of a comfortable foothold with all that that they feel fine just blowing right past the line and feeling entitled to bring huge, wile-ass dogs into places they don't belong.
Case in point: I've seen people with giant-ass mastiffs on buses twice now. Once on a Greyhound, and once on a casino bus (of all places). In both cases, they were well-behaved enough but didn't have any of the markings of a service dog (nor can I think of a good reason why you need a gigantic breed as a service dog). But of course, being trashy they didn't buy an extra seat to accommodate the dog, and it caused problems. There is no way these dogs are going to fit on an owner's lap or underfoot on buses or trains, so that means they need their own seat. Well, what if the bus is full and someone else paid for that seat? On the casino bus, the dog ended up laying out in the narrow-ass aisle being in everyone's way because there was no place else for it and the driver didn't have the balls to get involved.
In general, companies seem to be too accommodating of this sort of inconsiderate behavior these days. I guess they're scared of getting Canceled by a social media mob. Surprisingly, though, Greyhound is among the most permissive (surprising because Greyhound usually gives absolutely 0 fucks about catering to customers). Earlier this year, I took a bus out of Vegas and they let some dingus just roll up with their big and clearly non-service pibble that was straining at the leash trying to sniff everyone. Some other guy had a tiny little Pom or something in a little crate, as responsible as can be. Of course, the pibble immediately runs up and gets his snout right in the crate. Predictably, the Pomeranian gets extreme fence anxiety since it can barely move and barks to warn the pibble off. And equally predictably, the pibble immediately goes scary-aggro barking its ass off at the crate and fighting the girl trying to hold it.
Guess who got kicked out of the station? The guy with the crated Pom, because he only spoke Spanish and the Greyhound staff didn't and the pibble girl started up with "MUH EMOTIONAL SUPPORT" immediately. They actually let her board a bus with that thing just on a flimsy leash. Just amazing.
3) Untrained Dog Person
This has overlap with the previous entry, but I think it deserves its own spot. An Extra Bigass Dog can be well-behaved but be unfairly taking up space that someone else paid for, or causing a hazard laying out in an aisle when people are trying to get back and forth from the bathroom and such. Untrained dogs come in all shapes and sizes, but all are unpredictable nuisances and potentially dangerous.
First, I think this whole "emotional support animal" thing is a grift from the beginning. I don't doubt that having an animal around helps with anxiety and such. What I doubt is that it is the best / optimal solution for treating anxiety considering the level of infringement on other people's quiet enjoyment it necessitates. In a lot of these cases, I question whether there is even significant enough anxiety or whatever that ANYTHING is necessary, or if it's actually just that someone just wants an excuse to tote their little pet-accessory into socially impermissible places. I'd certainly like to see all these people's doctors notes saying that hauling an animal around everywhere is what a medical professional thinks is best for their condition. While we're at it, I'd also like to hear an animal expert weigh in on whether all of this is good or healthy for the dog.
All that said, I have no problem with small, unobtrusive emotional support animals if they are properly trained. I sat next to a girl in college for two semesters who kept a little one on her lap, and I can't remember that thing barking or causing any kind of fuss even once. The problem is, most people aren't that girl and they don't have that dog. They're lazy morons who won't train the dog right, drag it everywhere and insist that everybody just put up with its shit because I NEED LITTLE BARKYSHIT FOR MUH MENTAL HEALTH.
In the previous power rankings entry I mentioned fence anxiety. That's a very common dog condition that has to be trained out of them by a human. "Fence" is a misnomer though, as it's really about confinement and restriction when other living things are around. Like, the conditions the untrained dog will be in on a bus, train or airplane.
Fun things that can happen as a result are the dog barking or whining incessantly, someone with a dog allergy having an attack the whole trip (because apparently THAT condition doesn't matter and doesn't require accommodation), the dog biting someone sitting nearby, the dog peeing or shitting on the floor, the dog farting into the recirculated air, the dog getting into other people's food or bags while they go to the bathroom and the owner is inattentive / passed out, or ejaculating on legs or bags.
Don't blame the dog, though. Blame the asshole owner. The dog is being thrust into a situation that is stressful, unnatural and bad for it all to satisfy the owner's shitty personal trip. Mr. and Mrs. "THIS IS WHAT'S BEST FOR ME REEEE" certainly don't seem to give one solitary shit about what's best for the dog. I wouldn't be opposed to a Department of Family Services equivalent to rescue dogs from irresponsible self-absorbed jackasses.
2) The Dumped Patient
As with the pet nutter stuff, this is an area where I have to be careful because I don't want to make fun of disabled people.
The hard fact is that America's health care situation is shit, particularly mental health care for the most in need and vulnerable. People who can't take care of themselves are regularly bounced from wherever they were receiving care from and handed a bus ticket to go be some other municipality's problem. Overwhelmingly on Greyhound, which is why that particular line is often so "colorful." This has been going on for literally over 100 years in this country. As of late, California is prime dumping ground #1 as there is this folk belief that they have unlimited overflowing homeless and health resources (the reality is that system is always strained to the gills and lacking beds).
And another hard fact is that, aside from maybe an undisciplined dog, this is the only entry on this list that is an actual unpredictable physical threat.
1) Dude Who Tries To Sleep On You
Forget all that, though, because this guy is #1 with a bullet of the most awful public transit riders.
This guy is the reason why I avoid overnight buses and trains now unless I have a high degree of confidence I'll get two seats to myself.
If a dude sits next to you on a late bus or train, there is a 95% chance they will repeatedly fall asleep and try to tilt over on you. This even happens if you are in the aisle seat and they have a whole wall over on the other side to lean on, they won't have the sense to position themselves so that they don't fall out on you.
It's amazing to me we have this culture of extreme paranoia about anyone touching you in any way, yet get on a bus and everyone feels comfortable trying to use strangers as furniture. What makes it so bad is not just that they keep doing it (wake them up and they'll be nodding back out on you five minutes later), but eventually they get amp about and act like YOU'RE doing something wrong for not letting them just use you as a pillow.
So that concludes our first Public Transit Passenger Power Rankings, thanks for checki...
Wait! What's this? A mysterious new challenger is demanding a shot at the belt?
By Gawd!
It's ....
PERSON BEHIND YOU WHO STICKS THEIR FEET UP ONTO YOUR ARMREST!
THEY DID IT! BAH GAWD! NASTY FEET PERSON IS THE NEW WORLD CHAMPION!!!
THE CARNAGE! THE CARNAGE! WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON RAW IS WAR!
....
Ways to Deal With Terrible Transit Passengers (approved affiliate links):
Good noise-cancelling headphones
Surgical masks (deters people from sitting next to you)
Essential oil (put a drop in a surgical mask to help deal with smells)
Light towel (cover your face while sleeping)